Being a girl from a baby!

I was a cute baby…and I don’t really mind calling myself cute because I know my baby days only through pictures and the one in the pictures is very sweet...she is atleast sweeter than the one is see in the mirror.. I don’t get to see her whenever I look at the mirror. The smile on her face makes me feel that the tiny tot in the frame is not me but a very happy sweet innocent girl yet to know the world. And yes!! she is actually very cute!! She does exist in me even now and sometimes wakes up and giggles when my eyes fall on the pink balloon in the fair, and cries when my ponytail is not perfect!
Now I am a 20 year old “big” girl…not even in my teens. Yes, I am sad. But not because I am growing old and that I wrinkles are just 20 years away!! I am sad because I cannot give the excuse “ I am only a kid!!” anymore. And that any mistake I commit wouldn’t be worth forgiving for I am now gifted with “mature intellect”.
But I can never forget those moments when I was a baby. And the thing which amazes me is that I remember incidents when I was very small!
I remember I loved wearing “rags”...I mean dresses which deserve to be used as cleaning stuff…and also that my mom tore a light green frock of mine into 4 pieces out of anger. I had cried a lot that day but I stopped wearing weird things again.
I had slapped my neighbor hard. It was very late night that day and he asked me to leave for my house. He told my parents the other day that he can never forget the tight slap! I wasn’t sorry about it then but today I am. Still I feel such incidents should happen because as we grow up light moments rarely appear and the bad naughty memo of childhoods bring a smile.
I had told an aunty, on her face, that she looked horrible in a salwar suit. The other day she fought with my mom suspecting her that she taught me the horrible comments. Anyway, me a rebel had just said what it seemed to be!
I slapped my first best friend when we were at nursery…even I got a slap back. I don’t remember why we slapped each other but I remember the next day we became best friends.
I thought I could never forget these moments. But today as I was recollecting them I felt they are fading away...Hence I am penning them down in my blog.
And I think when the worst time strikes me, these words will be a hope for me. Atleast they can make me feel life can be very beautiful…we just need to kindle the flame in us so that the child in us can wake up and walk in the right path.

The house and the girl.

Long time ago, I had no ‘home’. My journey on the streets seemed never to end. I am not an orphan. I have parents, siblings but I set out to seek something. I myself did not know then, what I actually was looking for. People marked me as “desperate rebel”.

Throughout the journey I was in touch only with my best friend. Though I had loads of love for my family, I wanted to seek satisfaction by exploring alone with the feeling of being self-independent. I met many people on the way and visited many places and realized that I am more attached to lifeless things than living things and I am more passionate about lives that cannot speak yet are supposed to be heard. Anyway, I think I am getting too philosophical now.
For a young girl it is very difficult to exist in a world like this. I don’t mean we are weak but sometimes the world gets little heavy on us and so I needed a shelter. Then one day, outside the town near a shallow lake and green bushes I found a stony house. A shaky feeling crossed my body and I could not make my mind whether I should rely on this house or not. Then taking the consequences as fate I stepped in and I fell in love with the house. It was not as big as my own house but in the wilderness it seemed to be embracing me. Unpacking my bags I rested on a mat on the floor. The house had nothing but only a few empty shelves and just another room. Surprisingly it wasn’t dirty unlike other empty houses in such areas.
I wrote to my best friend and invited her to visit me soon. The house made me very happy. It was nothing special nor was it some palace from the Arabian Nights yet I felt I have got the point of pilgrimage which I was looking for all throughout my life. The other room provided me the gifted view of the lake with the silver moon above. While another room protected me from the freezing cold winds. Before leaving my home I had decided that once I get what I wanted I would be back soon but now that the house has made a deep mark I am failing to give up my feelings. Its broken windows, damp walls all seemed to be scented with love.
Then one day from the window I spotted a known face proceeding. It was my best friend. We cried a lto for we missed each other a lot. I thought of my parents for a while as we cried. After spending the day with each other she requested me to leave the house. She sensed danger to y life if I stayed longer as the house was too weak and might collapse someday soon with the slip of a brick. I couldn’t explain her that I was even ready to collapse with it. But her repeated requests made me think that I should be ‘wise’. ‘Wise’ enough to leave the home alone in the wilderness. I was foolish enough not to think that a house does not need company!!
My bags were packed and I was about to cry…just then I got a few words of sympathy from my friend:
“ I t is just a house dear
Made of bricks and stones!
It’s not a human being
made of flesh blood and bones.
When the cold dry wind blowed in,
It never folded it’s arms to hug!!
You had to shut its windows..
And fold yourself under the rug.
It’s walls do have ears,
Certainly it has heard your words of love.
But what is the need of ears
When it doesnot have a heart to beat atall!!”
I could not believe that my house wouldnot miss me!! Today my house still stands with it’s head high and not a brick has slipped yet. Now I know that my love has held it strong. It’s my love that has bound it. The power of love can support the weakest now I know.But I have collapsed. My love for parents and love from parents ustained me all these days. But my love for a heartless stony structure has destroyed my body of flesh and blood.
My journey for eternal happiness has now taken me to the eternal moment of life.I can now see my childhood again…my parents, siblings, friends and ….moments I don’t want to see or re-happen in my next life,if any!!